Snape Goes to the Philippines
by KYOGAKURA
Summary: snape biggest secret gets discovered y voldemort and now he's hiding in the last place they'll ever look for him swearing and verbal abuse present


Snape in the Philippines

Summary: Snape's job gets discovered by Lord Voldemort and was forced to go to the one place no one expects him to go to. The Philippines.

Chapter One: The Crotch, The Discovery and The Decision

Once upon a time, in a land very far away from the Philippines, there was a magical place. This magical place is so magical that when you so much as step in its grounds, there'll be stars popping out. Anyway, in this place, there was a castle and this castle was called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Now, in this school, there's a teacher that goes by the name of Barney Purple or just plain Mr. Violet. This is his nickname at the local pub where he performs at night. It's a secret though 'cause if anyone finds out, his reputation will go down the drain. The alter ego of Barney Purple is Severus Snape. This Severus Snape is a double agent for the light, a potions professor, a bat, a vampire, a git and also a master showman in a pub. Talk about multi-talented. Anyway, his job as a double agent just got revealed after a summon from High and Mighty Lord Voldemort.

This is an excerpt from the meeting:

"I just found out a rumor about a spy among our numbers. Who here knows of this?" Voldemort stood in the middle of a deatheater circle and hastily killed a squirrel which was getting to his nerves. From the crowd, Lucius Malfoy was loudly teasing Snape about his 'extracurricular' activities (i.e. ahem showman and double agent).

"_Haha, damn it Sev! I didn't know you had it in you!" he said loudly and slapped his knee. He then proceeded on wiping tears from the corner of his eyes after a feat of hysterical laughter. After a moment of catching his breath, he began the process again, only this time, he was earning a glare from Voldemort._

_Severus' eyes were twitching._

"Lucius…" Voldemort said menacingly and pointed his wand at Lucius crotch.

"_Engorgio," he said and Lucius' crotch swelled like crazy. All the other deatheater were howling with laughter._

"_Would you care to elaborate on what you were laughing about? It surprises me as to what is it that you find more compelling than me ranting amongst the crowd," he said while flicking his wand, making the oversized crotch swell some more._

"_Urgh…sorry m'lord. It's…urgh…just that…nnnnnhhhh…couldyoureleasethespellforasec!?" he all but shouted while squirming on the ground, holding his swollen crotch._

_Voldemort raised an eyebrow. So did Snape._

"…_Sigh…" Voldemort managed to say and released his hold on the crotch. Lucius gave a sigh of relief and the deatheaters all groaned. It was quite a show._

"_So Lucius, would you care to elaborate or do you want me to blow up that thing in your pants?" Voldemort said and the deatheaters gave a sympathetic look at Lucius. They all remembered the last time their master blew up someone's crotch and it wasn't a pretty sight. _

"_Master," he said while dusting himself and securing his crotch. "I found out the true nature of one of your followers," he finished, smirking._

_In the back, Snape was already in his fighting stance (drunken singer) and was already holding a portkey. I mean c'mon, what kind of idiot would waste a perfect distraction moment? He was already shimmying quietly down the spiral staircase when Lucius announced his big secret. (A/N can anyone imagine Snape shimmying?)_

"_Severus' is a part time stripper at an underground joint in Hogsmeade!" Lucius screamed. Voldemort got a hell of a nosebleed from a metal image. The deatheaters gaped helplessly at their lord all thinking the same disturbing thought:_

'_WTF?! Lord Voldemort has the hots for Snape?!'_

_Snape was ready to vomit on the spot when Lucius remembered something._

"_Oh yeah, and Sev's also a double agent for the Light!"_

_Chaos ensued but Snape's already gone._

End excerpt

Now, Snape's holding his portkey (a laced thong) and was sucked in a turbulent whirlwind of sights. He was in a freaking portkey ride! He was already sickly green when he landed, butt first, in the headmaster's office.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore sat in his behind his desk and gazed nonchalantly at the sprawled figure the lay in front of him. Popping nerds into his mouth, he stood up and walked over to the cloaked figure in the middle of his office but before doing so, he poked at his wedgie. It really does hurt.

He coughed and said, "How was the meeting?"

Snape groaned and explained the whole thing.

5 minutes…

10 minutes…

Half hour…

The next day…

Snape lay tangled in the limbs of Dumbledore wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and Dumbledore not wearing anything at all. At his side were a pack of assorted depressants and a bottle of absinthe. He screamed bloody murder.

What _really _happened.

After explaining his predicament, Snape fell silent and thumbed the numerous buttons of his frock coat. He almost sighed when, suddenly, Dumbledore laughed.

"Severus, my boy, I know what to do!" he declared happily and posed dramatically in the middle of the room. There was a sound of cracking bone and Dumbledore said, "there goes my back again, sigh. Severus, be a dear and fix my back for me, will you?"

Severus found the whole thing rather ridiculous but complied nonetheless. After fixing the headmaster, he asked what the solution to his problem was.

"Headmaster, what do you suggest I should do?"

"My dear, sweet, lovable, talented, amazing, multi-talented, amiable, diligent, handsome, hot, wonderful boy, I know what you should do but I don't know if you're up to it." Dumbledore said and sat behind his desk again.

Snape got annoyed on the verbal abuse he was taking but still managed to look composed. He took a deep breath and said through gritted teeth, "what is it then headmaster?"

"You should escape from here" Dumbledore said and stared through his half-moon specs. There was the twinkle in his eyes and twinkling eyes only meant trouble to him.

"And where, pray tell, should I go to headmaster? Anywhere I go he's sure to find me and who knows what he might do to me after knowing two of my secrets! I'm sorry headmaster but this is far too absurd even for you." he declared in one breath. His temple was throbbing painfully and he was seeing spots before his eyes. He imagined what could happen if Voldemort did find him…

Snape's thoughts…

Voldemort was making him were a very skimpy French maid outfit which showed his goodies. Enough said.

End thought.

He shuddered and stared helplessly at the headmaster.

"I'm sorry Severus but under the current circumstances, that's the best way to go." Dumbledore said and leaned back in his chair. That was it, the decision's final.

There was a moment of silence as a long train of thoughts raced through his head. Was this really the right way to go? Will Voldemort never find him? Why can't he just go to Grimauld place? It cannot be plotted so it's better to hide there for the time being. Maybe Dumbledore's only annoying him. Maybe he was kidding. But, what if he wasn't? Why was Voldemort checking him out? You think you know a man after years of service and this is what you get, gay discoveries. Crap, what was his life coming to?!

After ranting on and on in his mind, he finally nodded and said, "agreed then headmaster, where do you want me to go?"

Dumbledore thought about it for a minute and declared his decision.

"To the Philippines!"

the sparkle in his blue eyes made him look like he had the cataracts.


End file.
